EmptyInside (thelastbandito) wrote,
EmptyInside
thelastbandito

News from Prestonia, brought to you by Harold the Herald.


In the year of the date, 2005, on the 20th Day of the Month of August, these are the current news items from Prestonia.

In a surprising report, circulated last month, the disollution of the Communist Union of Pallux Way was released. The Nation of Prestonia is cedeing it's land, and pulling up settlements to seek out new and more prosperous settings. This move was prompted due to notice from the two Uzbekistanian nations in the Commonwealth, that come September 4th, they were removing themselves from the Communist Union, for various personal reasons. Prestonia, despite several searches of neighboring countries, has yet to locate a suitable land with which to place stakes. Several prospects have turned out to not meet some minimal requirements for the prospect of resettling Prestonia, such as "The place can't suck more ass than this one." and "The new roommates must not be skeevy dicks."

In other news, Prestonia has sought trade aggreements with the 24 Hour Fitness corporation of America, whereby the population of Prestonia can utilize their equipment for low, low prices. Reports are in that the average citizen of Prestonia is above global averages on weight, and below global averages on looking good and not fat. As such, these trade contracts should help the nation of Prestonia regain a sense of pride and a healthy look for all its citizens.

Top aides in the advisorial cabinet of Prestonia have been discussing this recent news article from their neighboring nation of The United States.

"If I have to sacrifice my whole family for the sake of our country and world, other countries that want freedom, I'll do that," said Qualls, a friend of the local business owner who started the pro-Bush camp, Bill Johnson.

One advisor had this to say, "Willingness to sacrifice people, your family or otherwise, does not show significant devotion to a cause. Devotion to a cause is much better shown by sacrificing your time and energy to develop ideas that further your endeavor without the necessity of sacrificing people, rather than sitting on your ass in front of the president's ranch, holding a sign."

But Johnson, who owns the town's biggest gift and souvenir store Yellow Rose, said he created "Fort Qualls" as a larger, more convenient place for Bush supporters. The tent and a trailer on a vacant lot beside his store will be staffed each day, but people will probably not sleep there.

Translation: "I did not create this novelty counter-counter-camp so that I could get more business in my gift and novelty shop. I would not dare to play the sympathy card, by naming this camp after my friends dead soldier son, just to profit by a few more bucks." If your bullshit meter wasn't going off the scale, that's probably because it could not comprehend the dinosaur sized pile that had just been unleashed.

Qualls gained attention last week when he went to Sheehan's camp, which has hundreds of crosses as a tribute to troops killed, and removed one bearing his son's name. But he said protesters keep replacing it; he has yanked two more crosses, saying the protesters' views are disrespectful to soldiers.

If the man does not want you using his dead son to further your cause, quit being a dick about it. It only weakens your cause, which is already weak to begin with.

"We're asking for a meeting with the president, period," said Michelle DeFord, whose 37-year-old son, Sgt. David W. Johnson, was in the Army National Guard from Oregon when he was killed in Iraq last fall. "We don't want to debate with people who don't understand our point of view."

Top advisor, Brain, had this to say, "This statement has me baffled, I'm completely stumped here." We believe he was referring to the point where debate is defined as the action presenting arguments in an attempt to convince someone who does not share your point of view to acknowledge it as a valid one. Declining to debate because they don't understand your point of view, would, in this sense, be similar to declining to race if your fellow competitors don't agree to let you win.

The meeting of advisors, Stomach, Brain, and Body ended with a 3 to 0 unanimous vote that both parties in this farce of a news event are irrevocably below national intelligence averages.

In other news, citizens of Prestonia have decided to piss on the front lawn of the Communist Union of Pallux Way in protest of their nations leaving the premises. Hopefully they will get at least local news coverage for their efforts in pointless protests.

That's it for this edition of the Prestonian News, good luck, and stay safe.
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