EmptyInside (thelastbandito) wrote,

The Awesome Life

Awesome's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Awesome built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Awesome met all three bullets with his fist, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Awesome recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. You know this beverage as Red Bull.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Awesome instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter, he then named himself Awesome.

Awesome lives by only one rule: He rules.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Awesome ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Awesome won.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Awesome--more than meets the eye, Awesome--robot in disguise," and starred Awesome as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much Awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided, and Chuck Norris was hired to play Awesome.

Awesome was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the halo of "Awesome". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus's obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Awesome omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kicks to the face related deaths.

A stranger once asked Awesome "How much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Awesome then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF AWESOME!" and ripped out the stranger's throat. Holding the bloody throat in his hand Awesome bellowed, "You suck you #$%@!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Awesome once smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Awesome once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Awesome frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the $!@% out of little kids.

When Awesome's mom burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it mom," and went into the backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his mom asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Awesome."

Awesome takes everyone's virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Awesome can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

When Awesome plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Awesome sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Awesome roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Awesome replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Awesome roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Awesome does not sleep. He waits.

Awesome punched a woman in the !@!@!@ when she didn't give him exact change.

Awesome found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Awesome's Life" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Awesome having sex with Conan's wife.

Awesome once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Awesome has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Awesome once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and $!@% on their floor, just because he's Awesome.

Awesome ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Awesome calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

If you can see Awesome, he can see you. If you can't see Awesome you may be only seconds away from death.

The chief export of Awesome is pain.

Those aren't credits that roll after the end of movies, they are actually lists of people that Awesome round house kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Awesome" you get "Same Woe" That is why every fall, Awesome travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

It takes three licks to get to the center of Awesome.

Awesome once became a herald of Galactus to save his home world

When Awesome finds a coin on the ground, he punches a nun. Awesome rarely finds coins, and yet has punched more nuns than can easily be counted. Go figure.

The seventh and last Harry Potter book will be called Awesome and Harry Potter. JK Rowlings at first tried to convince him not to break the continuity and call it Harry Potter and Awesome, or perhaps Harry Potter and the Awesome, but Awesome said he "didnt want none of that shit". Hermione dies at the hands of Awesome at the beginning of the book, and much of the rest is spent celebrating at Hogwarts with him.

I don't know what all those Indians were bitching about...it was Awesome's land anyway.

Awesome once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Awesome allows to live.

When Awesome goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Awesome could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Awesome is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis

Awesome once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear

Awesome is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Awesome has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Awesome jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Awesome instead.

Awesome can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. AT NIGHT!

Awesome was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Awesome played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Awesome smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Awesome is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

On his birthday, Awesome randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

When Awesome runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Awesome can divide by zero.

Awesome is to powerful to be cut by an LJ-Cut tag.
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